I told my Drinking Buddy I missed talking to him.
Actually what I told him was I had a very unpirate thought and it disheartened me once noticed.
And that without my phone... I became aware of the absence of talking to him.

And today he said, "I was thinking about yesterday, and in your own little Alli way you kinda said you missed me yesterday."

I could only say, because it was completely true, "Yeah... I tried really hard to avoid that word"

Because I do like him. But I think relationships are retarded and I don't believe in them.
And to find myself desiring one is so hypocritical it makes me sick.

buuuut. I cannot deny... nor apparently cannot stop over thinking this and it's possible ends.

So he gets in my car today and tell me he had an inappropriate dream about me last night.... and now that's like seven hours later I have a great response lol.

But. Idk.
I have to lose weight and lately all I've wanted to do is eat. and eat and eat.

Now I'm tired.
And I'm going to crawl into bed.
And wish that he was next to me.
And then get pissed that I actually thought it. And have unintentionally thought it the last week.

I blame Wisconsin winters.
It's fucking cold.
Well only negative 4 tonight.
Was negative 17 or 19 last night.
Fuck. That.

So anyways I just have to lose weight. Only concern on my mind right now. Well tomorrow. I'm going to bed soon.
Sooo. I wandered over from Open Diary because that site completely went downhill before just toppling over in general.

So. Hello. I'm SweeterYet from OD.
Um. I got pretty drunk last night big fucking surprise.
A little drunker than normal. I've been pretty decent on not letting myself get sloshy drunk, ya know? I like to think I'm a classier type of alcoholic than that.

So I babbled at my drinking buddy and I'm glad my phone's off at the moment because I would have text him some things after I dropped him off I'd prolly regret today haha.

Nothing extreme, I already told him if I believed in relationships I'd ask him out. But if I admit I'd be willing to try it with him I'm sure that qualifies as unpiratical behavior. And that was my only resolution... be a better pirate. And so far? I'm kicking ass.

Ohhhhh the twisted web of deception and lies we spread. Convincing ourselves. Others.... Fucking exhausting work really.

I'm half fond of him no doubt.

Ok more than half. I was going out of my way for this guy after like a month of hanging out with him.

He's a habit right now. And possibly grown into slight fondness. But I really need to fucking watch myself.

I babbled that I'm not gonna have enough money to get a place in April and I'll just be fucking homeless, it doesn't matter. And I am seriously just peachy with that.
As long as I can shower I'll be fine.
And he sometimes tries to be an asshole but he's actually sweet.
"Well I'm sure by that time I'll have a bed and a couch... you can come crash at my place."
Pretty sure I denied it spouting something about independence.

I wish I was skinnier, I'd go for it.
But I'm ugly and disgusting and knowing that just kills your confidence.
Although it didn't matter when I was skinnier either I suppose really. Funny how we look back on things with fondness, even if the situation or event was clearly less than desirable at the time.

In reality it created a bleak and lifeless portrait of my life.
Do I have the dead eyes again?
I heavily relapsed last week back into... whatever I am. Labels seem so isolating sometimes.
I have to lose weight. I don't care about anything else.

100 leg lifts, squats, situps with twist sit ups thrown in, 1 min 30 sec cycling, normally girly push ups too but my wrist is swollen today before I even did anything so I think I'll avoid aggravating it further.

Not that I'm a super smart scientist, I mean, most of my quantum physics knowledge comes from The Big Bang Theory.
But I have been obsessed with black holes since childhood. And I thought that was pretty fucking cool, ya know?

So yeah anyway I'm going to do my 100. And weigh, take a shower.
And get on with today apparently.
Ugh I hate my head swimming in all this bullshit.... GAH.
Stupid brain. Stop goddamn it. Fucking stop.

I'm so desperate to be on my own but I feel so fucking empty. Painfully empty.

I should look on my insurance website and try to find a shrink to look into my brain for ten visits.

I also need new clothes. Or if I were smart... I'd just lose weight so I can fit into my old clothes.
Okay gonna stop writing and start exercising.



January 2014

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